May 2012
Should A Word
There should be a word that sounds like goodbye, except you don’t mean it. And you should’ve said it to me. In my dreams you say it to me. You say it again and again.
Visible
We used to talk on Facebook chat all the time, even when I was online but invisible to everyone else. Now, I always show I’m online just so you can see that you can talk to me. But you never do.
Come Back
I keep catching myself hoping that some day you’ll come back, so I can laugh at you for thinking I’d let you.
But Now It Does
Not even Dear Old Love thinks you’re worth mentioning.
You gave me lots of presents and told me I was lovely, but you never could go down on me.
Don't I Know You...
It killed me when you walked past me, looking at me like you knew my face, but couldn’t figure out from where.
Fun & Interesting
Every time I do something fun and interesting, I can’t help but wish I could have done it with you. Because I know nothing else would have mattered—we would have enjoyed just being in each other’s company.
All the Best
“All the best” will always remind me of our last conversation. Shame it’s a phrase I have to sign off formal e-mails with.
No Asking
I guess I don’t have the right to have a say in the career decisions you make. It is for you and him to discuss. But how I wish I was the man you would ask. Oh, I forget…you’re not the type to ‘ask’ a man.
Tying and Fluffing
I still do my tie the way you taught me, and fluff the pillows like you used to.
Remember This Network
My iPhone reconnected to your house’s Wi-Fi after not being there for months. This all seems too familiar.
Shoe Box Memories
Freeee
It feels good to let you go. I’m freeee!
Tall Skinny Affinity
I was admiring a tall skinny guy today and I almost forgot why I had an affinity for them. But then I remembered.
Text Truth
I honestly thought I didn’t care about that thing we nearly had at all until I just got a text from you out of nowhere and realized I was holding my breath when I opened it.
Another Life
It’s easier to pretend you are dead then face the fact you are out there living another life
Many!
The most illuminating moment was when the therapist asked why you had chosen to be with me. You said, “Because you were nice to me.” Who chooses a lover for that reason, and who admits it in therapy?
Everyone Else's
I’m removed every physical reminder of you, deleted every email, every text, even your number. There’s nothing for me to pour over and miss you. So I spend hours on Dear Old Love, pouring over everyone else’s lost loves.
The Stain of 2004
The 2012 me is wearing dress slacks and working on spreadsheets and finishing deadlines. The 2004 me is naked tangled up with you underneath that blue mystery stained comforter.
Your Royal Roughness
I found myself kissing him the way you used to kiss me. I miss your roughness…
For Good
Knowing you can come back and wrap me around your finger whenever you want is the worst part. Can’t you just throw me away for good?
Reasoning
I have every reason to hate you, but I love you instead. You have no reason to hate me now, but every reason to love me.
Critique the Critic
Your brutality and detailed criticism was amazing. And I don’t mean that in a good way.
Funhouse
You look different to me now. Smaller. Grayer. Your nose is bigger and your eyes are closer together. I still love you though; even through this funhouse mirror.
Ruth & Ryan
It still kills me when I see our names next to one another in gift shop displays of personalized keychains.
No Easy Sleep
Every calming thing I own reminds me of you. Sleep doesn’t come easily for this reason.
Happens
You told me later that you did a cartwheel the night I agreed to go on a date with you…I don’t understand how you went from doing to gymnastics to zero emotions towards me in less than a month.
Not Like the Others
I’m glad there aren’t any pictures of us, standing arm-in-arm, with frozen smiles pretending to be like every other couple.
How the Hell
You told me “I never promised I wouldn’t hurt you.” How the hell does that make what you did to me any better or make me hurt any less?
Appreciate the Warmth
Thanks for hugging me the other day. I know you don’t love me anymore, but I appreciate your warmth nonetheless.
The Fam
I fell in love just as hard with your family. Can’t I keep them?
Actual Shadow
I want to feel your five o’clock shadow in an actual shadow at five o’clock.
Fries?
You took me to Five Guys when I was still a vegetarian.
Your Dog
I guess I just want you to know I miss you, and I’m sorry we couldn’t work. I hope you get your dog.
Mario Hat
Remember that time we were driving in your car back to the city? It was about 4 in the morning. We were wearing matching Mario and Luigi hats. My hat fell over my eyes, and I almost fell asleep. You leaned over and kissed me, and said goodnight. You then pulled over, turned off the car. You carried me up 4 flights of stairs to my apartment, and tucked me into my bed. You told me you loved me,...
Really
I didn’t just say it ‘cause I could, I really did love you.
Collapsing Distance
I’m realizing that 245.8 miles doesn’t seem nearly as far as it did a year ago. We should have, at the very least, tried.
Old Ways
I wore your old flannel shirt on my first date with him. I did it to test our old superstitious ways. Much like our marriage, I guess our old superstitious ways were bullshit because I fell for him.
Set Yourself Free
Years ago I told you that should you ever decide you don’t want me in your life anymore, all you’d have to say is, “leave me alone.” After nearly ten years of fighting, countless “I hate you”s, saying you couldn’t live without me, you’re no longer in my life. And you still haven’t said those three words I’ve been begging to hear. Please, set me free.
Avoiding
The hiking trail in the next town, our old favorite restaurant, Jack Johnson, the park down the street, those dumb action movies you always dragged me to, and the entire state of Florida. Just a few of the things I’ve learned to avoid in order to keep my sanity.
Every Season
We had a summer love and an insane attraction for each other 6 years ago and 6 years later I’m realizing I want it all back for every season.
Miss My Mark
For all the years I waited patiently for the right time to come along, I never expected to miss my mark and lose you entirely.
Seems Like Old Dreams
Last night I had a dream you came back. We laughed and laid on my old bed like we used to. We were in my old room, it was like I had never moved and you had never changed. You kissed me on the forehead. I woke up crying.
Better
I don’t think there is anyone better than you, as a person/human being, but I get that there should (hope so) be someone “better for me”.
Bonus
Every time I sleep with him, I feel like I’m cheating on you.
Privy
We treated each other like privileges.
Prickly
I loved it when you touched my legs, and how you laughed and said they were prickly. There is no other feeling I love more.
Do Go Changing
I would never ask you to change, but sadly, you don’t feel the same about me.
There v. Here
I know you’re “there” for me but what if there is someone who is “here” for me?
Effin' Cry
All we ever seemed to do was fight, screw, and laugh our butts off to Family Guy.
