You acted like you couldn’t swim just to be able to hold me in the water. I miss that.
I’ve talked myself in circles to keep from saying it: If the sex had been better, we would have worked out.
Simmer Down Now
I used to get so angry when you’d jokingly tell me to “simmer.” Now I’ve gone mad because you’re not here to tell me to calm down.
I remember taking naps on the phone together.
Name that Blush
I am afraid to say your name because I know I would blush instantaneously.
I liked it when you made me late for work.
Surely You Suggest
Today someone gave me music suggestions. It made me realize I don’t want anyone’s suggestions but yours.
I can’t drive past your father’s furniture store because it’s yet another place you used to always be that you aren’t anymore.
And Always Losing
I miss listening to you argue with your cat.
Not Not Unhappy
I couldn’t make you not unhappy. But I tried, and I tried, and I tried, and I tried.
The last thing you said to me was: “If we were both on eHarmony we wouldn’t get matched up.”
I don’t know what the musician sang about. All I remember is how it felt to have your moist, minty breath warmly whisper in my ear how much you liked it.
I can’t go to Vancouver any more.
I want to go back to our beginning and do it all over again.
I wish I had worse eyesight so I couldn’t always spot you from a mile away.
You were more like your mother than either of us cared to admit.
Who needs booze? If I wanna’ get drunk, all I need to do is remember you.
When I got depressed, I thought you would either be there for me or break up with me. I didn’t even know there was a third option.
You bumped into me on your date and asked me along. Am I the only one who thinks that’s strange?
I miss you the most during thunderstorms. They’re sexy and they make me frisky. We’re missing out the most on days like that.
I Know You Know
I know you can hear me when I cry at my desk, and I know you know why, so why do you ask me what’s wrong?
I got off the roller coaster that was our relationship, but I still feel like I’m moving. It’s very disorienting.
I’ll never forget when you webbed our fingers together and said, “Strengths and weaknesses.” Unfortunately, you took all the strengths and left me with all the weaknesses.
Which Was a Joke?
Ten years, thirteen boyfriends, two children, and one failed marriage, and I still expect you to walk through that door and tell me that it was all a joke.
I’m so desperate to talk with you again that I’ve started to make spelling mistakes on Facebook on purpose because I know you’ll correct them.
We were doomed from the start. But it sure did feel nice when you pretended to be my boyfriend.
I sit and stare at your name on my buddy list and imagine the conversations we could be having.
Working It Out
I only go to the gym every morning so that maybe one day you’ll kiss me.
I am so sorry. I know you deserve better words than that, but it’s all I’ve come up with so far.
Self-Serving PSA for College Freshfolk
I’m guessing a number of this site’s readers are heading off to college (congrats!), and you have high school sweethearts you’re planning on holding onto. I’m sorry to break it to you, but, sadly, it probably won’t work out. So, what do you do? Get them a copy of the Dear Old Love book. Write a touching inscription. Circle and personalize a few entries that feel...
Thanks for undoing 8 months of ‘getting over you’ progress with an email saying you’d been thinking about me. In the future, don’t think about me.
At least I got free beer, free Marb Reds, and to drive your truck for 2 months.
I like people instantly if their hands remind me of yours.
Is That Safe?
I hate waiting at red lights even more now because you aren’t there to kiss me until they turn green.
You will always know where the key to my heart is, even if you can’t turn it.
Send Me Your Tired, Your Poor, Those Who Don't...
You could clean the Statue of Liberty’s vagina, that’s how big of a douche you are.
Thanks to you, my new normal is nauseous.
I finally deleted your playlist on iTunes. Damn it feels good to be free.
Awake & Listening
You probably think I’m asleep, but I hear you drive past my house at night.
Did you keep my angry drunk voicemail so you’d have something to hold against me, or because you want to always be able to hear my voice?
When I called and said I needed you, you came. But not before stopping for lunch first. If you needed me, I wouldn’t stop for red lights.
You always had the best breakfast places to go to after sex, no matter what time of the day it was.
When you held me and comforted me after I would wake up screaming from nightmares—did you realize they were about you?
I was angry at you for not taking the jump that I was too scared to take.
Why couldn’t you have picked up the slack, just like I picked up your dirty laundry from the floor?
World Gone By
I remember lying down in the grass with you, watching the world go by. We were holding hands and staring up at the same sky, but you felt so far away.
I was so afraid of losing you that I ended up losing myself.
Ignore Call List
It figures—the day I decide to ignore your call is the day you don’t call at all.
Jelly beans used to be my favorite candy until you made that my nickname.
Remember that night you ran after me? You should have let me keep running if you knew I wasn’t what you wanted. But then again, it was the chase that you loved, wasn’t it?