Even when we were lying naked, wrapped in each other’s arms, I could feel you putting distance between us.
Cautionary, not Instructive
I only mentioned how emotionally abusive my exes were so that you’d feel bad for me. Instead, you took it as a step-by-step guide.
You always stole all the blankets, leaving me freezing and bitter. Now there’s too much blanket, but I’m still freezing and bitter.
I’ll never forget those nights where I’d wake up with 8 missed calls and 2 messages telling me to sneak out to come see you. Now I’m lucky to get one message that asks how I am.
You are a clue in the crossword today. I don’t know what to do with myself.
It was nice knowing that at least for one week, I was all you could think about.
The Sound of Right Hand Grabbing
Out of all our ridiculousness, my favorite memory is how you’d grab my hand right before you came.
I always thought you’d end up doing heroin if we broke up. Being right was not satisfying this time.
Charmed, I'm Sure
You’re a charmer, and I was easily charmed.
I cleaned for when you came over, but as soon as you left I was a mess again.
We were never a couple. You weren’t ever really “mine,” but chapters would be dedicated to you if I put my life in writing.
Because of you, I find thinking about Excel macros strangely arousing.
I wish I had known the last time was going to be the last time—I would have paid extra special attention.
Now I won’t get to wear your family’s tartan down the aisle.
I hate that we still love the same genre of nobody-thinks-they’re-funny-except-us movies, but we’re not seeing them together.
All the Time
I hope you accidentally call her by my name, all the time.
It’s too late to keep it casual. Not only has that ship sailed, I’m pretty sure we sank it the first night.
I wish I could say I hope you find what you’re looking for, but we both know it doesn’t exist.
I drove by your work today and saw your car in the lot with the dent in the bumper from the time you crashed into a tree after dropping me off the first time. I remembered all the times we kissed, leaning against that car.
Much to Choose From
I wish I knew what I was so scared of, too.
I mean, sure, it’s fine if you’d really rather look at my YouTube page (that I do nothing on but ‘Favorite’ music videos) 600 times instead of actually speaking with me.
I don’t know about the anywhere else or any other time, but I know that I am the best person for you right here and right now.
There was another couple sitting at our table today. I don’t miss you, and they looked happy, but it still felt wrong.
I miss those nights we’d lie together extolling the magnificence of my cock.
I believed you when you said you were a lover, not a fighter.
Is This a Good Thing?
After dating you, I can honestly look back at people I used to have crushes on and not find them attractive. If you gave me nothing else, at least you helped raise my standards.
What's Up, Doc?
Am I delusional, deranged or perfectly sane? You’re the only one who can make the final diagnosis.
If there was ever a time I could use some kindness from you to restore my faith in the world, now would be good. Six months ago would have been even better.
I’m surprised you never stayed in theater. You are so good at pretending to be someone you’re not.
The day you enter “I’m sorry” and “I was wrong” into your vocabulary is the day I consider comining back. I shouldn’t have to spell that out for you.
You had the best taste in music, you asshole.
You are the only man in the world foolish enough to think that I am marriage material. How could I possibly move on?
Because of you, my fridge is always stocked with orange juice, and my head is always stuck in the clouds.
If my heart could catch up with my head, it would be easy to leave you behind.
Now that you’re married, it’s her I feel sorry for instead of myself.
My Only Dorkface
I live in fear that you will nickname her dorkface, too. Could you please please please leave me with at least that?
To keep myself from wanting you back, I have been actively remembering all the horrible things you did to me. Now I am angry instead of sad, but that’s still miles away from being happy.
I do not miss you; my body does.
I just couldn’t be with someone who hums the “bunny ear” diddy when tying their shoelaces.
One Ring to Fool Them All
How dare you send me that photo of her wearing the diamond ring we picked out together.
Being sick sucks and no matter how many vitamin C tablets I chew, I really don’t think I’ll be able to get over you.
You kicked me out of bed in the middle of the night to go rescue your dear old love, without any concern for your new one.
For two comedians, there sure was a lot of crying in our relationship.
Changing my relationship status from “in a relationship” to “single” was harder than actually breaking up with you.
I told you once, long ago, that I would always love you. I think I cursed myself for life.
I found that beat up box of your random trinkets and cried. I cried over an old army man missing part of his machine gun. I cried over a crumpled lift ticket. And I cried over a Christmas elf missing half a shoe.
And Over the Weight Limit
You had too much baggage. And it wasnt just a carry-on, it was a full suitcase.
Some Just Like Watching Folks Sleep
I thought, when I woke up and found you watching me sleep, that I had won a way into your heart. Now I realize you probably were just wishing you were lying beside somebody else.
I ask myself all the time why, after these many years, I can’t stop thinking about you. So far I have about eighteen good theories and one really, really bad one.
I miss how you used to accidentally break my things and then try to pay me back with pocket change.