We could’ve made each other deliriously unhappy.
Bits From Spam Folder That Could Also Be "Dear Old...
I am alone, without you again, my sweetheart. I added a new photo to my account—waiting for you. Very often now I am in the Internet. Did you completely forget about my Russian pussy?
I should have listened to everyone’s first impressions of you.
Waking up with you, dressed in only sheets, was always the best look for us.
Put It On YouTube
I wish my friends could have seen all the things you did that made me want to stay with you.
You may have had money, your own home, a great job, and bright future, but he kisses me head to toe, and that’s all I ever wanted.
I’m not bitter, I’m disappointed.
I saved every mini-shampoo from every hotel room we stayed in together during our affair.
You ruined me for all men who don’t drink Scotch. Kisses feel incomplete without that lingering taste.
Telling me that you still miss me, too, is like taking me in your arms, stroking my hair, and kicking me in the shin all at the same time.
The spell you had over me has broken. Apparently you haven’t noticed, because you keep waving that broken wand of yours.
Alright, I Forgive Me
I couldn’t keep waiting around for you to forgive me, so I had to forgive me.
You and I were nothing more than a casual catastrophe between sheets.
Thank you for showing me a feeling without a name, something wider and deeper than pleasure or pain.
Treasure Off My Chest
With you I discovered the best way to enjoy treasure is to give it away. Maybe soon it’ll be second nature.
No, No, No
It’s too bad that rehab made you so good at saying ‘no’ to the things you want.
It saddens me that you’ll never touch me while I’m in the best shape of my life.
The day I left was the day I could be the person you never wanted me to be.
If I said that every time I drink, I want to text you, I’d be lying. Every time I am alive I want to text you.
About Not Talking
I hate everything about not talking to you.
All for Nothing
You gave me nothing, so why did I want to give you everything?
You mistook me for all my disguises. That’s okay, so did I.
Even though I’ve moved on, I still can’t unmemory you.
W and a W
I’ll always be weird and a woman. I’m okay with that, even if you aren’t.
Even if you don’t believe it, you don’t deserve something that is broken.
Stop ruining my love life from hundreds of miles and negative 4 months away.
Wanna go out sometime? Catch a drink? Gaze at each other with an urgency that borders on physical anguish? Oh, cool, uh, me neither.
Did we have fun, or was it just my imagination?
I have always loved you more than you ever loved me, which is ridiculous because I am 6,000 times more lovable than you.
I really thought you were going to last longer than 15 pages in my journal.
For the record, I blame our downfall on Dick’s Sporting Goods. Not your aversion to serious relationships.
I know you’re supposed to hate me right now, but tonight I prayed that God would protect you and bring you peace anyway.
I never thought I would watch UFC, but then you came along. I wish you would come back and hold me down like that.
Stop picking up girls by challenging them to bubble gum blowing contests; that was the line I used on you.
Leaving me is one thing. But asking me to pay off your big debt is too much.
I got my new wheels today, but they’re pointed in the wrong direction
Please ask me how I’m doing. Even if I know you don’t really care, I will be doing better for a few minutes
You helped me spill out all the terrible shit that I kept bottled in.
I hit the gas and you slammed the brakes.
I used to be able to speak freely to you, but now that we’re over, I’m scared to say a word. “I still love you” seems an inappropriate ice breaker.
Tenth's Good, Too
It kills me that I missed my chance to be your first.
Rashida Jones and Tzatziki sauce will always make me think of you and smile.
No Going Back
I said no because I was scared of reversing a year’s work of getting stronger.
Spring Break Book Plug
Celebrate spring with the Dear Old Love book! Get it at an Indie, Powell’s, Amzn, Borders, or B&N. Many have it for even less than $9.95! NPR called it “reliably funny,” and “a dizzyingly concentrated dose of humanity.” And for help starting your own Dear Old Love notes, the book comes with handy fill-ins: “I regret not having the ______ to ask you to let...
I did what I had to do. Please accept that.
When I need to relax and I think about my happy place, you’re there, waiting for me.
You can’t be with me because I don’t believe in God, but I can’t believe in God because I can’t be with you.
This Just In
I was in love with you, but I never quite loved you…
When you asked me if there was anything you could do to ease my stomach pains, you couldn’t have known you were causing them just by being in my presence. I miss those pains.
One of these days I will stop staring at your name in my phone’s address book. But not today.