Hi. I was wondering if you wanted to spend your fall break in my bed?
Embiggen this Heart
I thought I had a big enough heart to be happy just knowing you’re happy. I’m ashamed to say I was wrong.
No matter when I run into you, I’ll honestly be able to say, “I was just thinking about you!”
I think I’ve set a record for holding my breath. Four years, and you’re still not mine.
Styles of Drunk
I used to be a happy, sexy drunk. You turned me into a sad, sobbing drunk.
The Male Modelhood
As you were flipping through a copy of Esquire, you said you felt pressure to conform to the ways the male models looked. But I found you better-looking than any of them.
What About the Bump?
You were my real life Ken doll. I wish I could yank off your head, too.
It both surprises and disappoints me how often I’m right about you.
Every time I go to Target I stop in the soap aisle and smell the liquid soap you used. If it didn’t bring me to tears, I’d bring some home.
Was there ever a time when we liked each other equally, even just for one day?
You turned me into a huge Vikings fan. But now I have a purple bra and yellow panties that I only want to wear for you. I’d give anything to have you take them off me again.
Call and Response
Why do you still call me? And why do I always answer?
I will always think of you when I eat an onion ring. And I hope you never show anyone those photos. Ever.
Why didn’t you tell me you had free international calling?
My favorite thing was spending rainy nights in bed eating Chinese food & watching reruns of Jon & Kate Plus 8.
Whenever my phone vibrates I look down expecting to see your name. It never is. It’s always an ESPN alert telling me something that suddenly seems unimportant.
I wish the small bruises you gave me by spanking me would stay. I want something permanent to remember you by.
Um, So Can I?
You asked before you kissed me but you never asked before you broke my heart.
Our Old Air
My Dad doesn’t know, but I stole the hanging air freshner out of his car from when they cleaned it. It smells like you and our trips to the seaside.
Why Not Wear It?
I opened up my wallet today and found that earring of yours I kept, the one without a mate. I put it back in. I guess I’m still messed up.
I wonder how many times you’ve been in our bed with someone new, facing my direction while I face yours, wondering what went wrong.
She may have had you first, but I had you for real. High School doesn’t count.
I'm Sure Somebody Is!
I sit in my apartment at night and hope that you are staring at me through the windows
Time is precious, but I didn’t mind wasting it with you.
If I ever see you again I will punch you as hard as I can, then kiss you until the world ends.
Love's Like Love
I used to think we were so original. That so many Dear Old Love notes could be ours made me realize we weren’t.
When will I learn that no matter how much I cry, you won’t change and aren’t coming back?
He is 24, you’re 42, but you’re the one who makes me feel 17 again.
The Everyday Exotic
My big, exotic dream is simply us doing together sometimes what we normally do separately.
I wouldn’t ride my bike 20 miles in the summer heat for just anybody.
I just found out my father’s family has a history of schizophrenia. Good thing I took that plan B then, because our kid wouldn’t have stood a chance.
Seeing your name in my inbox doesn’t quite do it for me anymore. I need you in my box.
Back in the Day
Back in the day, you were very hot. As was I.
Then, Flaunt Away
Please stop flaunting your new girlfriend in front of me until at least 2015.
You didn’t have to respond so rudely. If you’re not interested in hearing from me, please just say so. Politely.
Some Set of Foam Balls
When I met your new boyfriend and he pulled a red foam ball from behind of my ear, I thought to myself, “She dumped me for a guy who carries foam balls around?”
Okay, so maybe the one year anniversary of our meeting at Burning Man was a contrived excuse to try to schedule drinks, but you could have at least texted me back.
Bad to the Bone
I wasn’t unhealthy for you. You were unhealthy for you.
Green with Dottiness
When I see you log into Gmail, I become a green dot.
Mmm...Chocolate with Spankles
Woke up this morning with a handprint bruise across my ass. You never had it in you to be anything other than vanilla.
When we hooked up again after you’d been gone all summer, you called it ‘our’ lube. So why are you using it on other girls now?
I'm Asleep Now
I never got to wake you up with a blowjob.
I spent the morning pacing the sidewalk in the rain, chain smoking, no shoes, thinking of all the ways I miss you. You turned me into that girl. Ew.
Zeno Called. He Wants His Paradox Back.
Every day I think about you half as much as I did the day before. But I’ll never stop thinking about you.
Ah Choo Choo
You thought you’d found a woman like a bullet train and found a locomotive instead.
Or the Time After That
In this life, we realized too late that we were soulmates. I sure do hope we get it right our next time around.
Your Team Needs You!
I’m terrified I won’t be able to go out with our group for bar trivia anymore. I’ll see your empty chair and think of you and him.
Promises Are Made To Be
Although we’ve broken up, a promise is still a promise. So where’s the “undying love and affection” you promised me?
I knew it was over from the hugs. They became cold acquaintance niceties instead of warm bear embraces.
Those Public Butt-slaps
When I said I missed you, you said you missed me, too. The difference was I missed the kisses, the hugs, the butt-slaps in public. You just said it because you were bored at home.