I regret that we spent our whole reationship trying to prove how much we didn’t like each other.
If I had it my way, we would have navigated high school bleary-eyed and hungry, but together.
I blocked you on Facebook to protect me from my own wandering hands.
That night the party had just begun and the two of us sat on the porch alone. You said you couldn’t wait until we all ended up under the blankets on the floor. I felt the same.
You Explain Me
As soon as I married, I knew it was a mistake. I didn’t know why until I met you.
Sometimes I wish my memory wasn’t so darn good.
Even if I wanted to erase the pictures of us on my iPod, I wouldn’t know how.
You can’t imagine how often I want to get in touch with you. How about this: just pretend all the most densely sexual, incoherent spam you get is from me.
Spitting is Right
If you weren’t the spitting image of my father, I’d probably never speak to you again.
The fact that you were once a dominatrix makes me miss you even more.
I Wish They All Could Be California Rolls
Sushi isn’t the same without watching you stir wasabi into soy sauce while you survey the selection, trying to find the perfect place to start.
I lace my Facebook updates with things that’ll catch your eye so you’ll leave comments. You always take the bait.
I could always tell when you were testing out a joke on me. I felt like your focus group with benefits.
The only thing that makes me sad about not being together: you will start eating meat again.
Seven Year Scratch
Glad you got your shit together seven years later. Equally glad I didn’t stick around waiting for that to happen.
I have a sneaking feeling that you lied about liking my pies. You are a selfish, cake-loving bastard who doesn’t deserve me. But if you come back, I’ll let you frost my red velvet.
In my daydreams, you always get the hero role. I don’t know why—you were far from the hero in my real life.
A Stone Rose
Sure I miss the kissing and the sex. But most of all, I miss being adored.
Couldn’t you have been a little less clever and a little more childish? Like me?
Same but Diff
I’m so misearble without you, it’s like you’re still here.
Always Say Never
No, I will never forgive you, but can we just get back together already?
I Sent a Passive-Aggressive Present, Though
I didn’t go to your wedding because I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from whispering to your husband, “Run!”
I can’t listen to my favorite songs anymore, and I can’t even look at the shirt I wore that day.
I pretend that the novel I’m writing isn’t about you, and that it’s not just an excuse for me to describe us having sex.
You had novelty intelligence: enough to impress at parties, but not enough to be significant.
When we meet in the next life, I hope we’re tantric yogis together.
On Paddle Boats
The strangest thing you left me with is a desire to make love in public places.
Asleep and Searching
I try to get lost in my dreams. Then, maybe I’ll find you.
Hold the Relish
You like mustard on your hot dogs and can’t sleep without a fan. But other than that I still don’t know who you are.
The Loneliness of the Long Distance Lover
I stopped loving you because you were 488 miles away, not because I wanted to. Actually, I have yet to stop loving you.
No Dong Silver
One would have imagined that, after watching so much porn, you would have picked up a tip or two. Too bad.
A Great Glass Elevator
I don’t care how creepy it makes me sound: you look like Charlie Bucket, and that makes you very attractive.
Whose Bill This Is I Think I Know
I wish I was the one paying for your Poetry Magazine subscription.
For My Next Impression...
For someone who “cares,” you’re doing a really good imitation of someone who doesn’t care.
Hello! Your Name Is...
Your name is the screeching tires of a narrowly-avoided car accident.
I loved your love handles.
It's Always Sunny
You introduced me to Ray-Bans and MIA before they were cool. Now they’re everywhere and you’re gone.
I accidentally found naked shots of you online. I swear I didn’t go searching. I liked them a lot. They made me miss you.
I want someone just like you; not you, but just like you—can you help me find them?
Ding, Dong, Dell
All the other men called me “complicated,” but you cracked me open as easy as a Mother Goose rhyme, then read me back to myself.
Pass It On
She ruined you, then you ruined me. I hope I was the last in line, because I don’t want this mayhem instilled on anyone else.
I should have known when you avoided my camera that we’d never be picture perfect.
Get Them Sit-Ups Right
I started using the workout plan you wrote for me.
The first date you picked me up with flowers. The last date you picked me up drunk.
And Extra Screws
Too bad you didn’t come with instructions.
Dim Sum, Lose Some
Looking up from my rice noodles and seeing you across the room only made me more sure: those drunken texts were a mistake.
Cutting You Off
Since you left I’ve kept my hair short. It was too hard looking anything like you.
There’s a guy at work who does a great impression of you.
Lent has passed, but it’s never too late to try and give you up.
We’re going to get a chance someday, right?