Fountain of Old
Our secrets are aging me.
We are really actually over, aren’t we? Forever. Done. Kaput. Finished. The end. Well, that sucks.
I resolve to have tea with you in 2010.
I am so sorry if you thought I was a mistake.
He's No You
I’ve never loved him the way I love you.
I Want Candy
You’d probably show up with rock candy and Crunch bars, but I’d still rather have you there when I get my wisdom teeth removed.
There are so many things I want to say. And so many I shouldn’t. But it all boils down to two words. I’m sorry.
How did we spend all those nights in your lofted twin bed and never once plummet?
I started dating girls because no other boy could ever be quite like you. Girls don’t come close either, but they rouse so much less of that familiar dull ache.
I took a drive down memory lane last night and got in an accident.
I was addicted to the natural highs you gave me. Now that you left I’m addicted to the drug highs.
Turn That Cheek
You broke up with me on Christmas. How dare you ruin Jesus for me!
Not Defying Gravity
My world doesn’t revolve around you anymore, but I can still feel your pull.
Much Car-Watching Is Divinest Sense
I’m here alone, watching cars go by through my window. Until now, Emily Dickinson has never felt so relatable.
You said I was your first kiss. I think we should grow old together so you can be my last.
If it was all about sex, why do you check up on me?
And You Never Sleep
You’re like New York City to me: I love you and hate you and I want to run away, but every time I do, all I can think about is you.
We aimed the car west and found what we wanted. Plus Gypsies.
Townie and Outie
He made a crack about people from your town and I got so upset I couldn’t even kiss him at the end of the night like I wanted.
You were the only Jew in the army I’ve ever met. Now I’m enlisting & converting so I can slowly become you.
Is it bad I already have our new song picked out just in case we ever do get back together?
I thought it was going to be a sex dream. It ended up being a night terror.
I knew we were in trouble when you started buying dvds that I already had, like you knew our collections would never merge.
Call Her Me
I pleasure myself to thoughts of you calling your girlfriend my name in bed.
Your sweetly worded rejection email hurt me a thousand times more than the time my ex-fiance told me that I was worthless and should kill myself.
I find stuff in thrift stores and antique shops that remind me of you. This bedspread has Hawaiian scenes on little post cards that say, “Wish you were here.”
Make it Better
I hope the Beatles make you think of me. If not the Beatles as a band, then at least “Hey Jude.”
Every time after I update my Facebook status that I’m visiting your town, I expect you to message me. You never do.
Even covered up in your winter gear, you are the the sexiest man in the building.
You were supposed to take me to Paris. Not her.
Heard you put up a dating profile, so I guess you’re ready to move on. I’m ready to put on my pajamas and hide under the covers.
My Mythical Pet
I imagine caressing you the way one one thinks of petting wild animals. Or mythical ones.
It’d be so much easier to stay mad at you if you hadn’t occasionally said sweet and romantic things that I can’t stop replaying in my head.
I’m not a lesbian and I’m not crazy! I’m not even confused anymore.
Tweet the Seas
The first thing I read every day, from bed and with one eye open, are the tweets you’ve posted from overseas while I’ve been at home sleeping away the time.
Those Stuffy Monday Nights
I’m mad that I can’t relive those stuffy Monday nights in your bedroom.
I still can’t believe you let those concert tickets go to waste just because we broke up. I want my 80 bucks back.
I may have wished an STD on you. So you might want to be extra careful. Just a warning.
Your 21 year old son looks just like you. Too bad you will never know that. You missed a great human being.
She may love you better, but I will always love you more.
While you pointed out every pimple, I like to think I was being courteous in never mentioning the giant gaping hole where your heart should’ve been.
A Whisper on the Web
Oh man, I am so glad you have absolutely no active internet presence.
His Name Is Your Name, Too
When we broke up, I checked Facebook for people named like you. I found five, added the best looking as a friend, started chatting, and now we’ve been together two months. I can’t wait to introduce you.
Does he know you still love me?
Saw the pic of your family in your Christmas card. Thank God my kids don’t look like Yoda.
The one summer week we spent together was better than the other nine combined.
It had nothing to do with you, but I finally quit biting my nails.
Dirty Minds Think Alike
I never met anyone with such a dirty, perverted mind as yours. We are so meant for each other.
Don't Think About Elephants
My attempt at trying not to think about you all the time, every second of the day, well, results in just exactly that.
Someone really needs to tell you she’s batshit crazy, but it wouldn’t sound right coming from me.