Just Another Wonder of the World
What if I commissioned a Taj Mahal-shaped cake to honor you?
The Oddest State
You captured Ethan Hawke’s tricky combination of charm and smarminess better even than Ethan Hawke.
Finding My Heart
Fog looks like you, green tea tastes like you, and that’s why I moved to San Francisco.
Not Undead Yet
You’re still the only one I want in my zombie shelter.
Sometimes I think I see you in restroom sign icons.
I Love You All
I say “I love you” to people all of the time now, to make that time I said it to you mean less.
Pack a bag. Go to Penn Station. Get on a train. Knock on my door. Tell me you’re sorry.
Did you mean to leave your Stetson hanging on my candelabra?
It Always Knows
If I followed my nose, it’d be buried in your crotch.
I never liked chest hair on a man before you. I still don’t. You were the weird exception.
Dating Joe Rogan
You told me you’d stay if I’d eat a can of Spam, but relationships aren’t supposed to feel like Fear Factor.
I miss Sundays and playing Canasta with you and your mom, even though she’s the reason we eventually broke up.
I still miss watching you squirm when I was on top.
Are You Experienced?
For all the sex you had with other people both before and during our relationship, I sort of hoped you wouldn’t be so bad at it.
And You Shall Know Us by the Trail of Hits
I wish there was more of you to stalk on the internet.
Stripped of Nasal Strips
Because of you, snoring is a prerequisite for any man who makes it to my bed.
You are a gigantic ass. And not the good kind of gigantic ass, like my ass.
First Person Singular or Bust
“We all miss you” is a cruel thing to say to me.
Back to the Diary
I wish you didn’t read my blog so I could talk about how much I still like you.
Nice Coat, Hipster. Now Kiss Me.
The first time we met, you accused me of being a hipster and sarcastically complimented my coat. I’ve been drooling over you ever since
Every silver Prius that passes feels like a bolt because it might be you.
When you called them “our Hawks,” you turned me into a hockey fan for life.
And Rollerblade into the Sunset
Would you come back if I came out to my parents? I would live without their love if only I could have yours.
You had never masturbated before I asked you to, and then you turned into a wanker.
DDelusions of Grandeur
I titty-banged lots of guys. It didn’t make you special.
That was a long way to go to not go all the way.
Schwimming with Sharks
According to you, we were Ross and Rachel, except with the sexes reversed. According to me, you watched and talked about TV too much.
Can't Stay Here
You said you’d help me up off the “beer-covered floor of life,” but when I slipped you left me there.
You got my virginity, I got your Mom’s chile recipe.
Not a Little
Since leaving me you’ve lost your job and most of your friends. I wish that made me feel better.
I still use your name to book tables at The Ivy because it’s the only way I can get in.
Victoria's Care Instructions
You would get so upset over sexy panties with tags mucking up the view. I still cut out the tags, in your honor.
Know What I Mean?
I miss saying, “You know what I mean?” and having you know what I mean.
You know the Monkey’s Paw story, where a family bungles three wishes? That’d be me. I’d first wish for your skinny arms to hug me again. Then for your wide mouth to kiss me. And just as this monster I created would be about to knock, I’d use my last wish to make him go away, leaving me right where I started.
I shouldn’t have let your kids scare me off. But they were scary!
A Thin Line
You’ve gone from curvy to fat.
The Great American Smoke-Out
Our relationship proved my theory: There’s no problem you can’t solve by sitting on the couch and getting stoned until the situation fixes itself. In this case, you leaving.
That’s not a punny title; this is an actual editor’s note. “Dear Old Love” is up for a Bloggie as Best Microblog! Vote at 2009.bloggies.com. Thank you, nominator. Also, thank you readers and contributors for making this site something worthwhile—it can make my heart hurt, but more often makes me laugh. Back to the notes…
Back then, I wouldn’t even let you grab my ass. Now, I wish I had totally given it up to you.
Friends With Napifits
I’m glad we can still take naps together, but I miss snuggling and being able to wake you with a kiss.
You were my soulmate, twin, sexual mind-reader, alter-ego, and perfect equal. No wonder I had to leave.
Is That Even Legal?
You’re 24. My sister is 15. Why the hell did you add her on Facebook when you and I haven’t even been Facebook friends in two years, let alone regular friends?
I’m comforted by the fact that your apartment lights are on every Friday and Saturday night when I go out with our friends.
I decided I wouldn’t cry about you anymore. Yeah, that’s not going so well.
Happy vs Fun
She might make you happier. But she’ll never be as much fun.
Good to Know
I guess I didn’t realize those two in the morning I-just-need-someone-to-talk-to-because-I’m-lonely-and-scared calls could only go one way.
But we were 99% on lovecalculator.com.
I never said you were a terrible musician because I liked that your awful songs were about me.
I can now comfortably say that you look like Grandpa Munster.
SFX: Rim Shot
You said I knocked your socks off. Is that why you got cold feet?