Old Long Since
I fear 2008 will be the “last year I saw you” for a very long time.
Seek Ecstasy in Limit
You won’t find someone who loves you more than I did. And that may be best for us both.
I was a blank piece of paper that you drew all over. Now others have difficulty “getting” me.
Vow of Consistency
I would have done it even if I wasn’t drunk.
But You Knew That
The t-shirt I’m wearing in my profile picture is yours.
I deserve better, but I don’t want better.
Find somebody who gets your nerdy jokes better than I did. I dare you.
What happened to the band James? What happened to us?
I love that you put a hammock in the living room so I could pretend I was at the beach.
You ended it with, “I gave you another chance, but you were still you.”
We Need to Stop
I still speak in “we’s.”
Knock Me Out
Heard you got big fakey boobs. What’s with that? And can I see them?
Beware the Ides
I notice you’ve broken up with me right before New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day, and my birthday.
I continually imagine I hear you calling my name.
I asked for my DVDs back, but what I really wanted was for you to return all the love I gave you.
I used to pretend I was asleep when you got home from work, so I wouldn’t have to watch you eat dinner.
Some days I do not miss you. But other days.
I keep trying to get my hair back to exactly the way it was when you loved me.
I only needed lube with you. That was my body telling us something.
I should have been bold enough to take your pulse in eighth grade.
Like balls, men’s regrets should number one or two and be quite large.
She Is Me
I’m sorry I’m not her.
I never let boys give me piggy back rides anymore because you couldn’t lift me.
Why must you be full of vodka to know you really love me?
Eleven years later, I still feel bad I didn’t ask you to the Christmas Dance, especially after I learned you’d picked out a special sweater.
None of My Beeswax
My lips are chapped from not kissing you.
I hope you live in fear that your daughter will grow up to marry someone who will treat her the way you treated me.
Whenever I listen to Morrissey, I imagine you rolling your eyes and shaking your head.
Free Love's Catch
Open relationship my ass.
Smell You Later
I bought your signature scent for my new guy. Sometimes I inhale deeply and pretend he’s you.
In Their Eyes
I loved when people would mistake us for a couple.
Bite My Tongue
I never say her name while we’re having sex, because I’m afraid I’ll say yours.
Born the King of Angel Food
I was going to make you a vegan Christmas cake, but I just don’t care anymore.
I still sleep with the teddy bear you gave me. He goes between me and my new boyfriend.
I should have known when you used the blowdryer for your pubes.
I thought it was sweet the way you smoked a pack every time we had a big argument.
The Medium Is the Message
You write artful, heartfelt songs about me. I write anonymous blog posts about you.
I pray we have our “You had a crush on me? I had a crush on you!” moment.
Thanks to you, all a guy has to do is wear a v-neck to turn my head.
You're Sheeting Me
I wouldn’t wash the bedding for a month after you stayed over, to hold onto your scent.
Get Out in Time
I knew you were gay when we met. Now you know, too, but it’s five years too late.
What was I thinking—I fell for you even though I’m a Coca-Cola girl and you’re a Pepsi guy.
You still have my green jacket. You still have much more than my green jacket.
Make It New
Old-fashioned love was never our style.
I loved that you always fell for tall, smart, confident women. Unfortunately, I am none of those things.
I’m a better man thanks to your bra-unhooking tutorials.
You appear in all my dreams. You make the dirty ones dirtier, and the weird ones markedly weirder.
And the Service!
I told you I loved you, and you said the food was good.
In Aloe Veritas
I bought aloe vera soap that smells exactly like your hair. Now I walk around with my hand held up to my face.
I know it got old for you, but I could have gone back and forth hurting each other forever.