Is This Thing On?
I eventually realized that our blowjobcentric sex belied deep issues about your experiences with intercourse. You were telling me you had problems and I didn’t listen, even though you were speaking right into the mic.
I can’t bring myself to throw out that ratty old bra of mine you liked so much.
It's Raining More Than Ever
I knew you cared because you’d wait for me on rainy days and walk me home under your umbrella. Now, I get soaked.
Give as Good as We Get
I wish I’d hurt you as much as you hurt me.
I realize I can’t fix you. I’ll leave that to your husband, since he’s the biggest tool I know.
Yon Solitary Highland Lass
I still know all the poems I memorized to impress you.
You were right not to loan me 500 dollars, and I was right to leave because you wouldn’t.
I Touch Myself
Our affair was a One Hit Wonder—irresistible and unrepeatable. I’m transported and happy whenever it gets replayed in my head.
One thing I’ll always remember is how we would laugh and clutch each other when the radiator clanged.
A Modern Adaptation
We were like Heloise and Abelard, if Heloise had been the one to cut Abelard’s knards off.
The Old Story
Boy meets girl. They fall madly in love. It peters out for one of them. You, in this instance.
I still do extra push-ups in your name.
See You in Shul
So you and I are no more, but the Judaism stuck.
Nice & Scared
You always whined about the romantic fate of “nice guys.” What you need to realize is that “nice” and “has a crippling fear of women” are two different things.
Thanksgiving isn’t Thanksgiving without your family.
The Pringles of Wishful Thinking
I continue to shop for all your disgusting favorites: instant oatmeal, frozen chicken wings, honey bbq chips. Just in case.
Maybe by Tomorrow
I’m almost thankful for you.
Didn't I See You Crying?
I’m fine without you. I just can’t stand the idea that you can get along without me.
Check the Closet
I used to move your stuff so you’d have to call and ask me where it was. I never hid your meds, though.
Please stop going to my favorite Vietnamese restaurant so I can eat noodles in peace.
We Seek What We Have
You left to find yourself. But you were never lost.
I’m a pervert now. Take it as a compliment. Your skinny pale body defined it in iron for me.
What's Mine Is Yours
I thought it was great that we had so much in common. Now I have nothing in my life to enjoy that doesn’t remind me of you.
I see Red Vines and they remind me of us and failure.
Nude for Nothing
Your tepid response to my naked pictures means we are never speaking again.
Your wedding announcement is hidden in my scrapbook, behind a Mount Rushmore postcard.
Beyond Betty and Veronica
You’re the model for all the hot-girl characters in my comics.
I have to believe our relationship continues to play out in all those particles of cigarette smoke we exhaled together.
Those Four Little Words
I know you thought it was funny when I said, “I love you,” and you replied, “I love me, too.” But it wasn’t.
You Lit Up My Life
I was so surprised and happy you installed that light fixture you’d been ignoring. Turns out, you were just trying to assuage your guilt about leaving me a few hours later.
I wanted kids and you didn’t. Now you have kids and I don’t.
Your profile said you were “comfortable at a dive bar or black-tie gala.” But you never even seemed comforable in your own body.
I’m still your plan B, right?
Counseling for sex addiction only works when you don’t sleep with the counselor.
Please stop coming into my thoughts, darling. It’s been years since I showed up in yours, I’m sure.
So Close But Yet
Why are you my best friend, and not my best husband?
I wish our friends had been better at keeping secrets.
Split Like an Infinitive
We could’ve been like Strunk and White, only with advice on where to get brunch instead of tips on grammar and clarity.
Get Off My Toast
You think I butter bread the wrong way and didn’t mind saying so.
Pick You up at 8?
Just because we broke up doesn’t mean we can’t drive from New Jersey to Las Vegas and get impulse-married.
Already Been Chewed
But will he eat your Raisinets after you’ve sucked all the chocolate off?
Time Stands Unstill
I’m still in love with you, circa April 2004.
I showed you how to use Gchat, and now you ignore me when I instant message you.
Fancy Meeting You Here
One more “coincidence” and I call the police.
You-Shaped Seating Chart
Your underwear is the only thing I remember from 8th grade Spanish.
Role of a Lifetime
I continue to tell myself, and my friends and family, that you were just playing dumb.
See Through Me
That first night, I wore the translucent orange top on purpose.
Unfortunately, your name is too common to google. Fortunately, so is mine.
You Never Specified Quality Sonnets!
You said you wanted a man who would write you sonnets. I wrote you one, and you left me the next day.
I think of you whenever I masturbate. So I’ve stopped masturbating.