You moved away and grew an enormous beard.
I keep thinking about the night we met: we both had fish painted on our cheeks.
The Bogey Man
I should have left as soon as I saw your white golfing shoes with the tassels.
My Mistress' Eyes are Nothing like the Sun
You are assless and have stick-out ribs, but you are tubby, too. You’ve read Proust in French but live in West Texas. You think a lot about clothes but wear pajamas most of the time. Your crotch smelled awful. All of this I loved.
When to Fold
I wanted to get you a watch, but you wanted a huge poker table instead.
I don’t care that you miss my dog. When you cheated on me, you cheated on him, too.
I know I’ve won, because I’m the one you call to talk about books.
You're So Vain
You probably think this post is about you.
A current snapshot of you erased 25 years of fantasizing about what could have been.
Fifteen Minutes of Lame
You left me for someone who doesn’t know who Andy Warhol is.
2 is the Loneliest #
You say you’re lonely since I left. Not as lonely as I was when we were together.
I’m dreading the first snowfall, because I’ll have to remember a Sunday, white sheets, and pillow creases on your face.
Can’t believe I miss hearing you yell “Now that’s what I’m talking about!” after bowel movements you were particularly proud of.
When you convinced me to be friends, you should have told me you were going to be a bad friend.
I still think of your neighborhood as our neighborhood.
I googled you hoping to find a sordid police report, but all I found was information about your antique soda can collection.
Only in Dreams
When we dated I was distant and couldn’t get fully into you. Now that we’re apart you’re the only one I have sex dreams about.
Circle of Squeak
I got rid of our old bed that squeaked and rattled when we were in it. I gave it to my grandparents.
I hate that I can’t forget your birthday.
If I could see through this blinding hatred, I’d most likely love your new girlfriend.
Whenever I see a red Miata I think of the fun we had in ours on the side of Highway 1.
Which Matters More
I don’t need you. But I do want you.
Go Bald Already
I hate the idea of you keeping all your hair and me not being able to touch it whenever I want.
Last Picture Show
Please stop agreeing to let me come over and watch movies. We broke up a year ago. Have some dignity for me, since I clearly have none of my own.
This isn’t over. I’m a fly to your bug zapper.
I only went out with him because he looked like you. After I told him this, he still wanted to do it. I didn’t.
I miss how much you made me like my body, and I really wish I could’ve made you like anything about yourself.
Is This Your Floor?
I smelled your perfume on an elevator and it took me back ten years. An old woman dressed like a teenager was wearing it.
I still watch your shows religiously—the ones I never liked.
You ruined small penis sex for me. That’s almost as bad as the fact that you couldn’t love me.
So Wrong It's Right
You were so wrong for me. Tomboy. Opinionated. All them cats. But in the end, you were perfect.
More than anything, I miss your dog.
I know you exploited my affection for free weed. I bet you’re not even gay.
I still use your last name when I doodle my future signature.
When I met you, I thought I saw my future. Our future. Now, I’m not sure what I saw.
Class of '76
I wonder how things would have turned out had I gone to the gas station with you after the reunion.
I knew I’d miss falling asleep with you and Tony Kornheiser.
Tall, Blond, and Smokey
Because of you on that night before college, I can’t resist tall blonds who reek of beer and cigarettes.
A woman called for you yesterday. I started to tell her off, but she was just selling subscriptions to the Chronicle.
Last in Line
You slept with all my friends before you slept with me, but I never held that against you.
I’m consoled by the fact that the two of you will have very hairy children.
You used to grate the cheese so I wouldn’t scrape my knuckles. Now my quesadillas have a touch of blood.
I Kinsey Clearly Now
I didn’t believe I’d ever find a more perfect man than you, until I experienced orgasm.
I just wish you’d show a little gratitude for the fact that I never told your wife.
More than Enough
It’s not that you were even that amazing. You were just you.
I named a playlist after you, so at least I still have a relationship with your music.
I know it’s your deal to stay friends with all your exes, but you can’t with me.
I can’t believe you’re becoming the type of guy who stays cute. Couldn’t you have followed Robert Redford instead of Paul Newman—more Sundance, less kid?
Rest in Peace
I always preferred your pillow. Now that it’s mine I don’t like it so much.
Moment of Claritin
I discovered the hard way that I’m allergic to your cat, your laundry detergent, and your deepest beliefs.